Drowning in My Mistakes

It’s building. It grows stronger and heavier creating enough energy to explode. My hands shake as I sit in fear of what’s about to happen. I keep doing this. Why can’t I stop doing this? When will I learn? When will I ever get better? What’s wrong with me? The questions surround my thoughts like a snake tightening its body around its next meal. I feel like I’m drowning in a pool of sorrow. My lungs can’t take it anymore. I’m might hit the bottom.

Anxiety can choke the living day light out of me sometimes. Within the realms of where I work, who I’m friends with or even my family, I always seem to make mistakes. I’d constantly feel like the only person doing things wrong. I’m the naive one while everyone else has it going on. As a kid, my mother used to ridicule me all the time whenever I’d be late for something. Tease me, judge me, make me feel like I’ve become my mistake. I’d beat myself up about it. Or any mistake I make.

Perfection is key in everything I do. But it’s such a difficult task to complete. I have a fear of disappointing others and of disappointing myself. I work hard to get better, but sometimes old habits never die. Or at least they take long too.

I believe I do a good job in most things that I do.  And I try to put all my hard work and effort into it. I don’t step into everything with too much ease. But sometimes, it just isn’t enough.

So as I sit here, drowning in my pool of mistakes, I’m just here waiting for my perfect sense of self to come rescue me. It may seem like an eternity, but I know the more I try the better I’ll become.  I just hope the ones close to me are patient enough to see me save myself from my mistakes.

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4 Comments

  1. I think mistake is a part of who we are as human. “Everybody makes mistakes, that’s why they put erasers on pencils”. For me, I like that I make mistakes because that is the point in my life when I learn the most. I don’t want to be perfect because it is our perfection and our imperfections that make us beautiful beings. Mistakes also leads to discovery. e.g. Sometimes I make a mistake and then in that moment I realize that I have the strength to fix it. I realize that I am stronger than I previously imagine. I say that to say don’t be too hard on yourself.

    Reply

    1. That’s so true. Sometimes, I make common mistakes and that’s what really frustrates me. But I can only make the same mistake so many times before I realize why I made it in the first place. That’s a good point though. We become stronger because of our mistakes. But only if we learn from them.

      Reply

  2. Yeah I get u. I think it is good that you realize that u are making the mistakes though, because that is the time when you can take the steps to fix it/them. I would also like to share this quote my mentor send me today. Coincidentally, I think it summarizes the point I was trying to make.

    “You have to make mistakes to find out who you aren’t. You take the action, and the insight follows. You don’t think your way into becoming yourself.”
    – Anne Lamott

    Reply

    1. Yea. It’s important for us all to realize our mistakes. Otherwise, how will we get better? Your mentor has a point. Becoming who we are doesn’t take thought. It’s like the progress after making a mistake helps us become who we are.

      Reply

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